


I Lose Myself

by glowine



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Altered Mental States, Cognitive Behavior Therapy, Delusions, Depression, Eventual Happy Ending, Hallucinations, I wish that was my pharmacist, M/M, Medication, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Post-Canon, Psychological Drama, Psychologists & Psychiatrists, Psychosis, Schizophrenia, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-09
Updated: 2017-04-09
Packaged: 2018-10-16 21:08:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10579509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glowine/pseuds/glowine
Summary: He can hear them again, the voices.Yuri struggles to recognize, define, and manage his mental illness.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This story is rate PG-13 for complex psychological themes. No sex is present.

He can hear them again. The voices.

“Yura? What are you doing?”

He doesn’t reply. Maybe they’ll leave him alone if he ignores them. He’s been sitting quietly staring at nothing for the last couple of hours, trying to ignore them.

“Yuri! Hey, are you okay??”

A hand grabs his chin and forces him to look up into concerned brown eyes. 

Oh… it had been Otabek’s voice this time… Yuri sighs in relief. “Yeah… sorry… guess I was just daydreaming.” Yuri hasn’t told Otabek about the voices. He doesn’t want his boyfriend to worry.

Otabek smiles and nods, caressing his cheek. “You’re so silly. Always lost in your head.” He steps away from the couch where Yuri is sitting. “Are you ready to go? We’re supposed to meet the others soon.”

Oh, right… they were having lunch with Mila, Georgi, and their other rinkmates.

He goes to get his coat and shoes. On the way to the closet, he notices a bright light flash in his peripheral vision and turns back abruptly, spinning on his heel. He looks back and forth… but there’s nothing there.

Nothing except Otabek looking back at him strangely. “Did you forget something?” He asks in a concerned voice.

No… But I think I’m seeing things…

Yuri shakes his head and collects his things from the closet. Otabek reaches around him and coils a long green scarf around his neck. He likes when Yuri wears green, says it brings out the green in his eyes.

 

* * *

 

“You’re going to fall. You shouldn’t even try.”

Yuri shakes his head to try and clear the voice and attempts to psych himself up for his jump.

“You’re not going to make it!” A different voice hisses.

“Shut up!” Yuri growls angrily.

“Excuse me??” Mila asks as she skates past, hands on her hips.

“Sorry… not you…”

He skates into the center of the rink and turns into a series of backward cross-cuts until he reaches a suitable speed. Looking over his shoulder, he carries himself on his right outside edge, left leg extended, before turning suddenly and stepping into the entrance for an axel. The take-off is fine; the timing is right. His hands are tucked tight into his chest, and his left foot is firmly crossed over his right. On his second rotation in the air, he sees a woman with blonde hair standing in the middle of the ice. _His mother_. Yuri loses control and falls out of the axel before completing the third turn, landing hard on his hip and catching himself with his forearm. He whips his head back up at the woman, but she’s not there anymore. Mila skates over to him, crouching down, and worrying over him like a mother hen.

Oh… Yuri just realizes he’s fallen on a triple axel for the first time in over a year. No wonder she is concerned.

He figures he just mistook Mila for his mother because of the speed of the axel. Probably just needed some sleep; yeah, that was it.

He’d been having trouble getting decent rest at night. He and Otabek had rented an apartment together, and there is a lot of noise at night. He could swear the neighbors are actually in the room with them. Even with the sound of Otabek’s breathing in his ear, he can still hear them arguing about inane things. He wishes they’d shut up and let him sleep.

When he complains about it to Otabek, his boyfriend looks puzzled, but suggests that maybe Yuri just has better hearing than him.

 

* * *

 

The cat is going to get hit by a car! Yuri lurches out of Otabek’s grasp and bolts into the street. He dives at the cat, wrapping it up in his coat and rolling across to the other side of the street as the truck roars past, wailing its horn.

As he opens his coat to check on the cat, Otabek’s hand comes down hard on his shoulder. He has run up to Yuri’s side and is panting. “What were you thinking?! You almost killed yourself!”

“I had to save the cat!” Yuri cries, trying to gesture vainly with his arms full of the… coat.

“What cat? There’s nothing there!” Otabek turns Yuri to face him and shakes him by the shoulders. “What’s going on?!”

Yuri doesn’t know. He shrugs. “I guess I thought I saw something…”

Otabek doesn’t understand. He hugs Yuri tight and then grips his hand firmly as they walk back to their apartment.

 

* * *

 

Yuri is really scared. He’s really scared, and he’s really angry. Everything is so disjointed these days. Sometimes he doesn’t know where he really is or what’s going on and sometimes time passes so strangely. Now he knows someone is looking for him. He’s seen the woman who looks like his mother several more times since she appeared at the rink. He knows it’s not his mother now. His mother is gone. This woman just wants Yuri to _think_ that she’s his mother so that he’ll trust her. Yuri keeps a steak knife in his nightstand just in case.

Otabek finds it one day when he is cleaning and asks about it. Yuri tells him that he had used it to cut off some loose threads and forgotten about it. Otabek believes him and returns the utensil to the kitchen.

The loss of the knife pains Yuri greatly, and he worries about being attacked and not being able to protect Otabek. He starts sleeping even less, listening to his neighbors talk about him in angry, vindictive tones. Well, if they don’t like him, then he doesn’t like them. He wonders when he met them, because he can’t remember their names or faces.

 

* * *

 

Yuri is pretty sure that the man in the corner booth is real. Sometimes when he’s not so sure anymore, he tries to ask questions that won’t concern his boyfriend, but will let him know the truth.

“Otabek…”

The dark haired man looks up from his book in response.

“I really like the corner booth. Do you think we can sit there later?””

“Yeah, we can move over once that guys leaves, just keep an eye out,” Otabek replies, going back to his novel.

Yuri lets out a rushed breath of relief. Good. He had been right.

 

* * *

 

There were too many dishes. They were everywhere, and they were all dirty. Yuri can’t handle it. He just feels so agitated by it all.

“You could just break them all… then it wouldn’t matter if they’re dirty,” Someone whispers.

Yuuri grabs the trash can and starts throwing the dishes from the sink into it, each one crashing louder than the last as they shatter against one another. Before he knows it, there are no dishes left in the sink. There also aren’t any left in the cupboard. He’s broken all the dishes, and he doesn’t quite know why other than he _had_ to.

He rushes out of the apartment to throw away the trashed porcelain and replace the dishes before Otabek comes home and finds him.

At the store, there’s a lady watching him while he looks for matching plates to the ones that needed to be broken. She’s clearly working with the woman pretending to be his mother. He glares at her and goes to check out at the cash register.

He manages to get the plates into the cupboard just before Otabek gets home from skating. Otabek is pleased that he has done the dishes. Yuri smiles and hugs him.

 

* * *

 

Otabek wants to know why Yuri doesn’t want to go to the rink anymore. Yuri says he doesn’t care. It’s not worth it. Plus, those women might be there waiting for him, but he can’t tell Otabek that. If he tells him, then Otabek will be involved and they’ll go after him, too.

Yuri doesn’t feel like ice skating anymore. He doesn’t enjoy it anymore. To be fair, he doesn’t enjoy much. What he likes best is staying at home alone and listening to the neighbors talk (when it isn’t about him) or playing with his cat, Petya.

Victor and Yuuri stop by to say hello. Katsudon keeps trying to get his attention, but Yuri can’t really be bothered. The men keep looking at each other. Yuri doesn’t care. It was all beneath him anyway.

“Don’t touch me!” Yuri hisses, annoyed at the feeling of Victor’s fingers on him.

Victor looks at him in confusion. He’s holding hands with Yuuri, and his other hand is holding a mug of tea that Otabek brought. “No one touched you…” He says slowly.

Yuri blushes and apologizes. Right, his mistake. Damn, he needed to be more careful.

Yuuri asks him if he feels depressed.

Yuri denies it. Victor took a break from skating, so why couldn’t he? Yuuri agrees, but he doesn’t seem to be convinced. He suggests that maybe Yuri should talk to Victor’s friend Natalia at the clinic.

Yuri shakes his head, he doesn’t need to talk to anyone. Plus… it’s not like he could trust some woman he didn’t know just because Victor approved of her.

Victor reminds him that they really care about him, and that they’re there for him if he needs anything. Yuri tries to smile. Of course, he knows they are. They leave and Otabek suggests going to bed early so that Yuri can get some extra sleep. Then, maybe he would feel like going to the rink tomorrow.

Yuri doesn’t think so, and he’s not looking forward to listening to the voices argue, but he agrees because he doesn’t want Otabek to worry.

 

* * *

 

“Hey… what are you looking at?” Otabek asks.

Yuri is staring out the window again. He knows his mother’s impersonator and her confidant are hiding in the darkness of the alley across the street, but he’s ignoring them because they don’t seem to be going anywhere or doing anything. Instead, he’s watching the flashes of colored lights on the opposing building. It is really pretty and sporadic, sort of like an unplanned firework show by someone who is terrible at it. Poorly timed or not, fireworks are pretty.

“What?” Yuri chuckles, “It’s obvious, look out the window yourself.”

“But what’s there?” Otabek questions. “Even if it’s too dark to see?”

Yuri scowls, thinking this must be some kind of trick question. Maybe a joke or something. “Huh? Come on, Beka!”

“Humor me,” Otabek replies.

Yuri shrugs. “Obviously, I’m watching the lights on that building.” He goes to get some water.

Otabek takes Yuri’s place in front of the window and squints his eyes, frowning. Then he looks back at his boyfriend. “Hey Yuri, why don’t you eat some dinner? I made pirozchi!”

“No, that’s all right. I’m not hungry.”

Yuri’s never really hungry anymore. He’s always tired, though, so he sleeps a lot. The neighbors wake him up all the time, and sometimes the voices in his head yell at him that he’s useless for always being in bed, so all the noise definitely doesn’t help.

Otabek looks unhappy, so Yuri eats a few bites for him. Otabek has been saying lately that he’s lost weight, but Yuri can’t really tell. He doesn’t skate at all anymore, so it doesn’t really make a difference anyway. After dinner, Otabek convinces Yuri to take a shower with him.

Yuri realizes that it’s been a week since he washed up. Otabek soaps up his hair with shampoo, and Yuri notices that it’s reached past his shoulders. He frowns. When had it gotten so long?

“It’s full of bugs!”

Yuri’s eyes widen. He can feel the lice moving around in his hair.  He turns abruptly into the water and scratches vigorously at his head. When the water runs clean, he feels a little better.

“Otabek… Do I have lice?” He asks quietly.

His boyfriend laughs softly, “Of course not. Your hair is beautiful and clean now.”

“Will you…. Will you check anyway, please?” The water is still pouring over Yuri’s head and running into his eyes and mouth. He wipes at it.

Otabek is looking at him with that face again. With those eyes again. The ones that say they don’t understand what is going on, but they just want so badly to help. Yuri feels fingers slide into his hair and card through it, piecing it apart carefully. Otabek tugs him forward so his head in out of the water and leans forward to look carefully at Yuri’s scalp. After a few minutes, he announces that Yuri definitely does not have lice.

Yuri feels the muscles in between his shoulder blades relax, and he leans his head forward against his boyfriend’s chest and thanks him. Why had he thought he had lice anyway? Why would his voices tell him he had lice? That was just stupid. He hadn’t been around anyone except Otabek and Yuuri for weeks. He didn’t even like it when Victor came by, so those were the only two he saw.

Whenever Victor came over, Yuri felt other people were there watching them. Victor’s paparazzi or something. Katsudon was okay. Yuri felt comfortable with him, and no one was really interested in the Japanese man, so no one would follow him to Yuri’s apartment.

 

* * *

 

It’s Yuri’s 19th birthday today. Otabek managed to convince him to let their friends come over, so the small apartment is really crowded. Mila, Georgie, Victor, Yuuri, and Yakov have joined them. They are all fussing over him, asking him how he is and trying to convince him to eat the disgusting cake. It smells like pickles and rat poison. All of sudden, Yuri realizes that it smells that way because it actually has rat poison in it. Someone is trying to poison him!

He runs forward, knocking a piece of cake out of Otabek’s hand. “Don’t eat that! You’ll die!”

Everyone stares at him.

“I thought it was pretty good cake….” Mila replies, having been the one to bring the dessert over.

Mila. _Obviously_. It’s been her all along. She’s the one who let his mother’s impersonator into the rink to fuck with him in the first place.

“You!” Yuri screeches at her. “You’re the one that’s been making me see and hear all these things! This is all your fault!”

“What??” She cries. She’s trying to act like she’s confused. Yeah right, clearly she’s just acting. Yuri starts to stalk toward her, but Otabek puts a hand on his chest to stop him.

“Let’s go talk in the bedroom,” He says quietly, pushing Yuri back toward it.

“But she’s trying to poison us!” Yuri screams. He looks back around the room. Everyone’s eyes look scared and worried. Well, they should be: they were almost poisoned.

 

* * *

 

Otabek and Yuri are sitting at their kitchen table watching the news on Otabek’s laptop. It’s boring, and Yuri doesn’t really care about it.

“Just leave… You don’t need to be here for this anyway.”

Yuri gets up and heads to the door.

“Where are you going??” Otabek asks, getting up and following him.

“To my office.” Yuri replies.

“Your what? You don’t have an office!”

“Yes I do; I go every day when you’re skating.” How annoying. Of course he had an office. How else was Yuri supposed to see legal clients if he didn’t have an office.

“Where is it?” Otabek asks.

“It’s by the---” Yuri stops talking. Suddenly, he can’t remember what they were talking about at all. Stupid disjointed thoughts. It was so annoying when that happened. It was happening more and more often. “Never mind…. Let’s just go lie down.”

Otabek starts spending more time at home during the day, but he never sees Yuri leave.

 

* * *

 

It’s a really nice day, and Otabek convinces him to go for a picnic. It’s really beautiful out. The sun is shining with a just a few clouds to dim the heat of the early afternoon. Yuri is feeling really good. No voices have been tormenting him today, and he hasn’t seen his mother’s impersonator at all. The neighbors had even shut up and let him sleep the night before. Hell, he might go skating tomorrow.

Yuri leans against his boyfriend on the blanket and then slowly lets himself fall onto the other man, laughing as they flop over together.

Otabek laughs too and hugs him. Then Yuri leans in and kisses the him gently. Otabek looks surprised. Yuri wonders why… They play together like this all the time. They kiss all the time… don’t they? Yuri suddenly realizes that he can’t remember the last time he kissed Otabek. He can remember pushing his boyfriend away… not wanting to be touched. Shouting things at him.

He starts to cry. “Beka, I’m so sorry… I’ve been so horrible to you! I’ve been crazy!”

Otabek’s eyes aren’t dry either. He drags Yuri on top of him and holds him almost too tightly. “It’s okay now.” He says. “You’re back now. I feel like you can see me again.” He kisses Yuri on the top of the head.

“I love you,” Yuri says firmly. “I love you so much. No matter what I do or what I say, I love you.”

“I know you do.” Otabek replies. “And I love you, too. More than anything.”

 

* * *

 

“Good morning, Yuri!” Otabek says.

Yuri opens his mouth to reply but nothing comes out. He frowns and tries again. He can’t speak. He can’t speak! He puts his hands to his throat and starts to panic.

_“You’re not allowed to speak.”_

“Oh, just let him, he’s been good lately!”

_“No. I want him to be quiet today, and I want you to be quiet, too!”_

Yuri wants to beg the first voice to agree with the second and let him talk, but he can’t say a word to try to convince them.

“Yuri are you all right?” Otabek reaches forward and grabs hold of his boyfriend. “Are you choking? Say something!”

Yuri shakes his head, and tears begin to form in his eyes. Then, having an idea, he whips around and pulls open his nightstand, retrieving a notebook and pen.

“I CAN’T TALK!” He writes out in block letters and holds it up for Otabek to read.

“Why not??”

“I DON’T KNOW! THEY WON’T LET ME!!!”

Otabek stares at him. “Who won’t let you?”

“I DON’T KNOW!! BUT THEY’RE HERE ALMOST ALL THE TIME, AND THEY TELL ME WHEN I CAN’T DO THINGS.”

 

* * *

 

Yuri is sitting on a couch in a stuffy little room. Well, he thinks he is anyway. It kind of feels like he is dreaming. It’s scary, and he doesn’t like it. If it is real, then he wants to go home. If he is dreaming, then wants to wake up. He pinches his arm sharply. It hurts.

“You’re not dreaming, Yuri.” Dr. Natalia Zeigarnik sits across from him in an armchair. “You are really here in my office. Do you remember how you got here?”

“Yes.” Yuri replies, grudgingly. Beka and Katsudon had brought him here. They said it was important to them that he come talk to this doctor, so he’d had to come. They’d looked so upset.

“And you know why you’re here?” The doctor asks.

“Not… exactly,” Yuri replies. He has an inkling. He figures Otabek has finally gotten sick of his crazy behavior and wants to know what’s wrong with him. To be fair, Yuri kind of wants to know what’s wrong with himself, too.

“She’s just going to make up lies about you so that Otabek leaves you. You should get out of here right now before she starts lying to you, too.” The strong voice is really angry today. Yuri ignores it.

Dr. Zeigarnik has hair dark like Yuuri’s, but it’s curly. That is good. She doesn’t look anything like Yuri’s mother, so he won’t get confused. “You’re here,” She says, “Because yesterday you lost the ability to speak, and you told Otabek it was because someone unknown was preventing you from using your voice.”

Yuri nods. Yeah, that had happened. The voices had told him he couldn’t.

“Listen, can I ask you some questions, and have you answer them honestly? I think I know what’s going on, but I need to make sure.” She has a pen poised over a paper pad, and a tape cassette recorder is perched on the table between them, tape rotating slowly. She doesn’t seem like she wants to miss a thing Yuri says. Well, at least she is interested. Yuri agrees.

She starts asking her questions, and Yuri mostly manages to tell the truth. Sometimes the voices say he can’t, but mostly they’re ok with it. They actually seem to be kind of happy that someone is paying attention to them.

“Do you hear or see things that other people can’t hear or see? Or that you think might not be real?”

“Yes,” Yuri says firmly. “Sometimes, I’m not sure if anything is real. That’s why I had to pinch myself to make sure I wasn’t dreaming.” He thinks for a moment, and the doctor waits patiently.

“And I can always hear the neighbors talking, like all the time, especially at night when I’m trying to sleep. Otabek can never hear them. He even went over to talk to them at some point, and they promised to be quieter, but nothing ever changed.”

Dr. Zeigarnik scribbles away in her notepad. “Okay. Anything else?”

“I’m not sure….” Yuri says frowning. “Let’s just go onto the next question.”

“Have you heard two or more voices talking to each other or to you, and other people cannot hear them?”

Yuri stares at the doctor. How could she know that? He hasn’t told _anyone_ about the voices. “Yes….” He replies slowly. “They argue all the time. Normally about random stuff and sometimes about what I’m allowed to do. The strong voice usually thinks I should be punished, like when I wasn’t allowed to speak or when I’m not allowed to eat, and the weak voice is usually on my side. He doesn’t win very often. It the worst when they gang up on me though, and talk about me like I’m not here.” Yuri finds that he is now looking down at his knees and peers back up at Dr. Zeigarnik.

“I see,” she says. “What sort of random things do they talk about?”

“Anything. The weather; our neighbors; ice skating; Otabek, Victor, Yuuri, and Mila; the women spying on me and trying to catch me; if we should paint the walls… it’s all just idle chatter.”

Yuri and the doctor watch each other for a moment. He waits for her to say something and knots his fingers together.

Then she says, “Tell me about the women spying on you…”

 

* * *

 

Yuri ends up telling her everything. She asks if he feels like someone is going to hurt him or if he feels like he should hurt them first (Maybe). She asks what the voices sound like and what they think is most important (angry and demanding; not leaving the house and not trusting anyone.) She asks if he can predict the future (No); if he has super powers (No), if he’s taken any drugs (Also No.) Does he feel emotionally stunted, like he’s not enjoying things anymore (Yes); does he avoid people or physical contact (Yes); does he avoid things he used to enjoy (Hell yes, as his figure skating career is biting the dust.)

Finally, she sets down her notebook and laces her fingers together, facing Yuri full-on. “I have the results of your blood test from the other day, and according to them there is nothing to rule out the diagnosis that I have for you."

"Wait, what? I have something?”

“Yuri, it is my professional opinion that you are on the schizophrenic spectrum. Have you heard of schizophrenia before?”

Yuri pauses. Yeah. Those were the crazy, homeless people who lived in the park with shopping carts and yelled random words at people. The ones who thought someone who didn’t exist was coming to kill them. Oh…

Dr. Zeigarnik stands up and walks over to her desk, fishing through her file cabinet. She pulls out a pamphlet labeled with Yuri’s brand-new labeled disorder and hands it to him.

“Schizophrenia is characterized by two different kinds of symptoms: positive and negative. The positive ones are like the people and lights you’ve been seeing and the voices you’ve been hearing. The negative ones are like your lack of motivation and interest in skating, eating, or bathing. We are going to help you with all of them.” She adjusts the glasses back on her nose and sits back down in her arm chair.

Yuri glances to the corner of the room and sees his mother’s impersonator glaring at him. He glares back. “You’re not real,” he says to her firmly.

“What are you seeing, Yuri?” The doctor asks him, unconsciously glancing toward the empty corner.

“The woman who looks like my mother. God, I hate her so much.”

“Your mother or her impersonator?” Dr. Zeigarnik asks.

“Both.” Yuri hisses. “My mother abandoned me, and her impersonator wants to kill me… although apparently that part’s not real…” He massages his temples with the thumb and ring finger of one hand.

The doctor makes some notes. “I have a treatment plan that I would like to start immediately, and a big part of that is that you come to see me regularly so we can talk. Is that okay?”

Yuri considers this. “And I’ll get better? I’ll stop seeing and hearing things and go back to how life was before?”

“That is our goal, yes,” she agrees, tapping her bottom lip with her pen.

“Yes, I can talk to you.” Yuri feels oddly comfortable with the woman. He would need Otabek to come in and tell him that she is definitely real, but other than that one caveat, she seems understanding, intelligent, and helpful.

“Good. The other part is a medication called Zyprexa. We’re going to start you at 5 milligrams every night before bed, and in a week we’ll double the dose. Hopefully, within a week or two we’ll start to see some improvements, and he can get you ironed out even better in 6 weeks or so. But this timeline doesn’t work for everyone, so try not to be discouraged at the beginning.”

“Medicine…” Yuri says frowning. “What if it doesn’t work?”

“If this medication doesn’t suit you, there are many other we can try, but I think this is a great first attempt for you.” She scribbles on her prescription pad and signs it with a flourish. Yuri takes it from her and squints his eyes to read the messy writing:

 _Zyprexa 10mg_  
#24  
Take ½ tab PO QHS x 6days,  
then take 1 tab PO QHS daily.

It looks like gibberish, and he asks her to translate it for him. She explains what the symbols mean and tells him the pharmacy will give him the instructions in plain Russian so he can understand them.

Yuri agrees to take the medication. He agrees to take it at the same time every day. He agrees to keep a journal of his symptoms with dates and times, and how he feels each time he hears or sees something or feels off like one of those negative things she had described. Finally, he agrees to come back in 2 days to talk with Dr. Zeigarnik for another hour.

And he agrees to confide in Otabek.

“You have a good support system,” the doctor says firmly, clasping his hand and smiling sincerely, “You should trust it more.” She gives him her cell phone number in case he needs it and asks him to say hello to Victor when he has the chance.

Yuri promises he will, and he thanks her earnestly.

 

* * *

 

The three men go straight to the pharmacy and wait while Yuri’s prescription is being filled. He tells them most of what Dr. Z had said. They nod a lot and don’t say much except for that they love him, and they are there for him. Yuuri has to go, so Yuri passed along the message for Victor and reluctantly hugs him. “Thanks Katsudon…”

“You’re welcome.” Yuuri replies, hugging him back firmly, “Anytime.”

Shortly after Yuuri leaves, the pharmacist calls Yuri to the counter and asks him if he’s ever had this medication before. Yuri shakes his head, so the brunette man asks him if he has any questions.

Yes in fact, Yuri has many questions.

“What is it, and how does it work?”

The pharmacist chuckles and prints out an information slip for Yuri to take home, then they go through the sheet together to make sure Yuri understands everything.

“This is olanzapine,” says the pharmacist. “It’s in a class called ‘atypical anti-psychotics.’ Basically, it blocks some of certain chemicals in your brain, like dopamine and serotonin, from working.”

“I thought it was called Zyprexa,” Yuri replies, confused.

“Ah, yes, that’s the same thing. Olanzapine in the generic name. It’s the exact same drug, just less expensive.”

This doesn’t really make sense, but the pharmacist seems confident, so Yuri nods.

“So you’re going to swallow one pill every night before bed, at the same time every night. You can take it with water or food, it doesn’t matter.” The pharmacist patiently goes through the instructions for the medicine, and at his insistence, Yuri sets an alarm on his phone for 10pm each night to remind him to take the pill.

“Some people have side-effects to this drug, most commonly: dizziness when sitting or standing up suddenly, drowsiness or insomnia, weight gain, and some movement uncontrollability. It can take a little while to get used to taking a new medication, so the side-effects may improve with time.”  The pharmacist circles the things he says on the information paper as he talks about them. Yuri isn’t concerned about the weight gain, he’s skin and bones already, most of the muscle depleted from lack of skating and conditioning, and frankly, lack of eating. He hopes he gets drowsiness rather than insomnia; he could really use a good night’s sleep.

The pharmacist makes sure Yuri is going to store his medication sealed in its original bottle and out of the bathroom (apparently the moisture is bad for it, who knew? Yuri is going to have to move all of their over-the-counter stuff into the kitchen or his nightstand.) He answers a couple more questions until Yuri says he doesn’t have anymore, and then he sets to ringing up the medication at the register. Yuri inserts his credit card in the chip slot and removes it when it starts beeping contentedly back at him.

“If you are having problems with side-effects or anything else, you should come see me or call your doctor. Thank you for coming in!” The pharmacist shakes Yuri’s hand as the youth thanks him in return and hands over the discrete paper bag. Yuri leaves the pharmacy much more confident in the potential of his treatment plan than he had been when he walked in.

 

* * *

 

A beeping sound wakes Yuri up from his nap on the couch. He swipes an arm out blindly and grabs his phone, brings it to his face, and glares blearily at it. 22:00 looks back at him. Ah, yes, of course.

Otabek usually brings him his medicine, but his boyfriend in out meeting friends visiting from Kazakhstan for the evening. Yuri had absolutely insisted. All Otabek would have done was watch Yuri sleep anyway. He was living in a drowsy daze.

Yuri drags himself off the couch and stumbles into the bedroom. Yanking open his night stand, he finds the labeled bottle in its usual location and fishes out one of the little yellow pills. It’s been a week. Yuri is supposed to take a whole pill today instead of half. The pharmacist had written the word “пятница” (Friday) on the cap so Yuri would remember the day he was supposed to change the dose. Yuri is really glad for the reminder, because he definitely would have forgotten otherwise.

He tilts his head back and drops the pill to the back of his mouth, chasing it with water and swallowing. Then he lies down on the bed and stares at the ceiling. There haven’t been a lot of changes in the last few days. Yuri still hears the voices all the time and see things that probably aren’t there once in a while. He still doesn’t want to do anything. The main difference is that he’s tired and hungry all the time and gets dizzy every so often. All in all, it isn’t too bad, but it’s not better either.

Both the pharmacist and Dr. Z had said that it would take weeks for the drug to really kick in and help. Yuri is incredibly impatient about it. It doesn’t help the voices taunt him about it. He writes about it all in the notebook that the psychiatrist had given him and notes the time and date of his dose. He hasn’t missed any yet, and he is oddly proud about that.

“It’s not going to work. There’s no way you’re going to get rid of us.”

“Shut up…” Yuri mumbles. Petya jumps on the bed and tucks herself into her favorite spot against Yuri’s side. He pets the cat placidly, and the darkness of sleep consumes him again.

 

* * *

 

She’s back. It’s the first time she’s been here this week. She’s back, and she is watching him from the end of his driveway. Yuri scowls. He’s going to be late for his appointment if she doesn’t get out of the way. Otabek comes out of the house and unlocks the passenger car door, holding it open for his boyfriend. Yuri is still glaring at the end of the driveway.

“What’s wrong? Hop in!”

“We have to get her to leave first,” he growls out, pointing. “This could take all day.

  
Otabek looks where Yuri is pointing and his face pales a bit. “Ehm, Yura, I don’t see anyone there… Maybe I could just back up really slowly?”

“She’s not going to move. And you can’t just hit her…” Yuri is used to Otabek not seeing the same things he does. He’s pretty sure his mother’s imposter isn’t real, but Yuri is confused a lot, so just in case…

“Tell you what,” Otabek compromises, “I’ll drive on the grass and if she moves you just let me know.”

Yuri agrees. He is so happy that Otabek doesn’t fight with him about which things are real. Rationally, since he’s been going to see Dr. Z for 3 weeks now and he believes what she says, Yuri knows that his brain is creating the images and sounds and feelings that only he is experiencing. None-the-less, he still can’t actually wrap his mind around the fact that this woman, and many before her, isn’t going to get hurt if Otabek hits her with his car. Otabek seems to get that, so he tries to find ways around Yuri’s hallucinations. Yuri is pleased that he knows what they are called now, and can admit that that’s actually what they are.

 

* * *

 

“How have you been doing?” Victor asks.

“Really good… I think… I think I want to go to the rink with you guys this afternoon.”

Victor stares at him. Yuuri beams.

This is the first time Yuri has spoken to Victor in person since before he started his medication 4 weeks ago. Today he had actually woken up and wanted to see the man. In fact, he’d also wanted to go ice skating. He felt lethargic and lazy, muscles whining for exercise. When he had told Otabek about it, the Kazakh had suggested that they meet up with Victor and Katsudon for lunch and then go to the rink afterwards. He hadn’t wanted Yuri to push it too far on his first day back.

Despite the slow, thoughtful response, Yuri had seen the shine of excitement behind Otabek’s eyes. Excitement and hope. Yuri knows that his boyfriend has missed having him at the rink every day.

 

It feels so good to be back on the ice. He realizes it has been months since he’s come to skate. At Yakov’s insistence, Yuri lays off the jumps and limits himself to doubles. He spends most of his time just gliding around becoming reacquainted with his skates and the feel of the ice under them. It feels like coming home.

It even feels nice to see Mila, Georgi, and the younger skaters. Everyone is excited to see him, asking if his return is permanent or if he’s just visiting.

“We’ll see,” Yuri says, “But I think I’m coming back for good soon.”

“It’s nice in here today… Have you missed it?”

Yuri ignores the voice and wipes down his blades to prevent rust before storing them carefully in his bag.

 

* * *

 

Yuri wakes up in the middle of the night with a rapid heartbeat. He listens closely, trying to figure out what woke him, but he hears nothing. Just silence.  He can’t hear the neighbors. He can’t hear the voices. Cautiously, Yuri sits up, reaches out to his sleeping boyfriend, and pats the man gently.

“Hmm?” Otabek wonders sleepily, “You okay?”

The words cut through the quiet abruptly and Yuri realizes that it hasn’t been this quiet in his head in a very long time. He can hear Otabek and he can “hear” his own thoughts, but there is no one else there. Yuri’s face is wet, and he doesn’t know when or how that happened. Little choked noises are coming from his throat.

“Yura?” Otabek asks, more awake and concerned now. He sits up and flicks on the light before turning back to the blonde.

“Hey….” The dark-haired man reaches out and caresses Yuri’s cheek with one hand. “Why are you crying?”

“It’s gone,” Yuri chokes out, leaning into the hand and heaving slightly. “They’re gone; I can’t hear them anymore!”

“Is that a bad thing?” Otabek asks with furrowed brows.

“No!” The correction comes automatically, tearing itself out of Yuri’s mouth like something uncontrollable. “No… it’s _wonderful_.”

 

* * *

 

Yuri doesn’t think he sees or hears things anymore that other people don’t. He’s been taking his medication for more than 6 months now. Dr. Z and he had decided to raise his dose to 15mg a day at 6 weeks when he was still hearing voices. He doesn’t think that anyone is spying on him, and the women who frequented his hallucinations are long gone. It isn’t perfect. It isn’t easy. Sometimes Yuri gets confused by things, but Otabek and his friends always help to set him straight. He feels more confident in himself and his grasp on reality. Otabek puts up a sign in their room. It says "You wake up every morning to fight the same demons that left you so tired the night before, and that, my love, is bravery." It makes Yuri smile.

 

Yakov confesses to him that the reason Yuri’s mother left him may have had something to do with her own mental illness. Something about this makes the blonde feel relieved and sad at the same time. It feels good knowing his mother hadn’t abandoned him of her own volition, but he also feels great sadness at the thought that his poor mother hadn’t had Otabek or Dr. Z or Yuuri or Victor to help her. Dr. Z says schizophrenia is genetic and often runs in families. She sympathizes with Yuri, and she wishes she could have helped his mother.

 

Yuri goes to see Dr. Z for an hour every week to continue cognitive behavior therapy and to work on his coping skills. He still writes in his journal, although he doesn’t document his doses anymore. The 10pm alarm is still set on Yuri’s phone. Usually, he realizes what time it is right before it goes off, but sometimes it saves him from missing a dose.

 

Yuri is skating every day again. He is getting stronger with every passing moment. Otabek, Yakov, and the others often tell him how proud of him they are. Yuri is pretty proud of himself, too. It was so hard to get to where he is now, and it is harder every day than before he developed his disorder. But, he functions completely normally now. He’s not embarrassed about it, but at the same time, he doesn’t really like to tell people.

 

People make up all sorts of assumptions and judgments when they find out he has controlled schizophrenia. They ask him if he should be driving or even be permitted to be outside. Yuri shakes his head at the ridiculous concerns. There will always be ignorant people. Yuri knows he’ll probably be taking medication for a long time if not the rest of his life. He has resigned himself to it. He’s okay with it. He’s okay with himself. Finally, he’s okay with himself again.

**Author's Note:**

> The disease and medication information in this story are factual, including the likely dosing regimen for Yuri's Zyprexa. I have done a good deal of research on it and am clinically permitted to provide it by my education (pharmacy). If you find yourself feeling like anything you see in this fic, contact a physician immediately. This drug was chosen based on Yuri's situation and, while prescribed often, it is not every provider's first choice for managing schizophrenia. Trust your physicians and pharmacists.
> 
> Dr. Natalia Zeigarnik is an homage to Soviet psychologist/psychiatrist Dr. Bluma Zeigarnik, who is best known for the Zeigarnik effect (1900-1988).
> 
> While I suffer from mental illness, I do not suffer from schizophrenia. If any readers do and would like to make corrections based on the authenticity of Yuri's symptoms, PLEASE let me know. I would really appreciate any input. He experiences it chronically, while some patients have acute episodes. 
> 
> I wanted to shine some light on mental illness as an understandable part of everyday society, and I hope you learned something from reading it. I sure learned a lot writing it!
> 
> Thank you so much.


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